My right to exist was my biggest blockage

My story starts with this little girl that cried herself to sleep every night and put on this brave face every morning. I never felt at ease in the world, I did not have a secure, safe and comfortable home to lean on. I was the outcast and did not fit in.

Doing everything by myself

As a young child, I had to figure everything out on my own. I couldn’t rely on my father because he was always traveling for work and my mother simply wasn’t emotionally available. I had to be this perfect, strong, independent girl. Meanwhile, I was breaking under the pressure of this false mask.

As a child, I asked for help twice, with the requirement that my parents would not be involved. Of course, that didn’t work out. The second time, when I was eleven, it reached with my mother. The result was an even lonelier existence than the one I already knew and a mother who was deeply disappointed.

Around the age of nine, I developed a form of kissing disease, which made it extremely difficult for me to keep going to school because I was so exhausted. That fatigue remained even after the illness had passed.

Unconsciously, I devoted the rest of my life to finding a place where I belonged, where I would be acknowledged and feel that I was allowed to exist. I started to live according to the expectations of others. I didn’t set boundaries, didn’t show emotions, kept my thoughts to myself and avoided conflict. An avoidant personality disorder with fear of failure and social anxiety became inevitable.

Something needed to change!

After a long search of nearly ten years — during which I tried just about everything, both medical and alternative — I eventually ended up with a psychologist who recognized the common thread. It was at a point, where my physical and mental symptoms became unbearable. Something had to change.

I started working on this with the psychologist. The first thing she showed me was that I did, in fact, have an angry side. I simply couldn’t feel it, because I had masked it with sadness. As a child, I learned early on that anger was a forbidden emotion, so I avoided it. It wasn’t allowed to exist, even though anger longs to be seen and heard. Suppressing it only made things worse. So we created space for anger to be felt.

The emotional reactions triggered by different events became central in the process. I gained more and more insight into my own emotions and learned to recognize, accept, and transform the underlying triggers. This led to a rapid acceleration in my growth. I learned to speak again and to express myself. I learned to embrace anger, and through that I could finally feel my boundaries. From that moment on, I could finally stand up for myself and gradually dared to be more and more of who I truly am.

My calling stood at the door

I began to feel a strong pull toward working with people. I just didn’t know where to begin. That’s why I started the education to become an Energetic Therapist. During that training I learned to work with energy, discovered my own gifts of clairsentience and claircognizance, and allowed my intuition to take up space. I didn’t complete the program because I felt I had learned what I came there for. My soul was ready for the next step.

In the meantime, I also completed a training to become a Human Design coach. I went through the entire program. I see the value of Human Design and absolutely want to include it as part of my work.

At the moment I’m still following an extensive channeling course. It has already brought me so much, and I can’t wait to start using it — with permission — for my clients.